50 Ways to Get to China +

50 Ways to Get to China +

Clean house, well sorta.
Start packing. Pets see suitcases, start anxiety shedding. Giant balls of dog and cat fur roam the rooms.
Almost finish packing about midnight.
Set alarm for 5am. Wake up at 4:58.
Run around house randomly shoving last minute stuff into bags. Since you can’t find list, wonder what is missing.
Put enormous pile of luggage into and on top of car in pouring rain.
Wake up child, shovel into clothing. Forget to brush her teeth.
7:01 We’re on the road on time!
Pick up nutritious breakfast at Dunkin Donuts.
Hit the highway. Due to the resumption of school and the pouring rain, the LIE is living up to it’s nick-name, the Long Island Snail Way. Take 90 minutes to get to the BQE, a distance of about 15 miles. That’s 10mph for the math challenged.
Listen to child’s music choice, Disney Princess best friends song and story collection. Her Highness insists you sing along too.
Push back moon roof cover to check on luggage on roof. Discover the tiny chip in the glass has expanded to giant crack that almost splits off one corner. Stop worrying about luggage and start to worry about moon roof blowing out.
Woo Hoo! Made it to the BQE. We’re moving – up to 30 mph.
Check directions husband has printed out to reach park n’ ride and Newark Airport. What stinkin’ moron wrote this? You used to live in Joisey – ya don’t go to the Parkway, ya take 1&9 from the Holland over the Pulaski and past IKEA. That’s how to get to the airport.
Child finally falls asleep in car seat 10 minutes before reaching airport.
Get to airport only an hour late, but still with 2 hours for check in. Husband cuts hand unloading stroller. Look for bandages.
Dropping car at park n’ ride, check in and security go smoothly.
Go out to gate, get snack at food court.
Look for something in the red carry-on. WHERE IS THE RED CARRY-ON?
Send husband running back to security. Snarl at child for finger painting with orange juice on table top.
Husband returns with suitcase. Breathe sigh of relief. Husband went running back to security and TSA security guy was just standing there with the bag, smiling. Husband asked how long he’d been standing there. The security man answered, “We wait about 10 minutes for someone to come running and that’s how we know who it belongs too.”
Get checked in. Get on plane. Re-organize all carry-ons. Settle into seats.
Taxi out of gate on time.
Sit on tarmac in blinding thunderstorm for an hour with airport closed. While rain is still pouring, receive departure clearance. Extremely bouncy lift off and altitude climb. Tell child, “It’s just like a roller coaster ride.” She buys it.
Check out fellow passengers. Wonder what biker guy, complete with scruffy beard, sleeveless T, red bandana and pseudo Asian tattoos is going to do in China. The Beijing Bikers conference?
We are on our way. The first of many meals is served – peanuts and a beverage.
The first real meal is served. Discover that travel agent has mistakenly put child and husband down as vegans, not lacto-ovo, shrimp-eating vegetarians. Child rejects spicy tofu curry, eats grapes, strawberry, and a tomato slice, even rejecting vegan cookie. You taste and see why. Husband likes it all.
Personal monitors on seat backs start up. Your first choice of movie is having technical problems. Watch Scooby Doo with child as it is “too scary “ to watch by herself.
Cabin lights are doused, most people take a nap. Not your child, who is now bored. Read Cinderella and Ariel princess Disney stories many, many times. Think of next three weeks with no other reading material.
Take many trips to bathroom. Discover which one has a faulty lock, while you are crammed in with child and actually sitting yourself.
More movies. Child watches Scooby for second time, child friendly choices being very limited, like to one channel. Watch Pirates of Caribbean 3 slumped in seat since guy in front to of you has reclined. Then discover monitors can be angled.
Seats are now trash pits of wrappers, cups, crumbs, and napkins.
Child watches Scooby for third time. He is now, “My Scooby.” See new branded product nagging in future.
Begin to hate guy in front, who has been reclined whole trip. Think of him as “Big Head.” Consider trimming the top of his bad brush cut.
10 hours into flight at bio time of 11 pm and after a one hour wrestling match, get child to sleep.
Realize that short of ninja worthy acrobatics, you are now trapped in the window seat for the rest of the trip, about 3 hours.
Get cramp in knee.
Do advanced math with soggy brain to convert to 39,000 feet to miles. Hey, that’s about 8 miles high. Finally “get” the title to Byrds song 35 years too late. Duh.
Give up on sleeping yourself. Look out window to see if you can spot Ulan Ude.
Child wakes up as decent begins.
Heavy cloud cover prevents seeing Great Wall from air.
Land in Beijing. Woo Hoo! We made it. Last ones off the place laden with carry-ons. Customs are quick. Discover once again that tall husband comes in handy in Asia, being easy to spot in a crowd. Discover once again that while in the US you are a little chubby, in China you are pretty fat.
Get bags. Child reminds you of forth bag as you are about to leave without it, pointing to carousel and asking, “Hey, what about that one?”
Meet Guide. There are no seatbelts in van. Take trip to travel agency to pay them. Realize you have been walking around with about $6000 in unsigned travelers checks. Sign many checks.
Check in at hotel. Credit card for incidentals is rejected. Husband’s card is rejected. You only brought two cards with you, since there’s not a lot of places to use credit cards. You are now in China without a working credit card.
Go to room, take long hot shower in steam stall. Flood bathroom when stall fails to drain.
Discover that your toothpaste’s flip top has flipped and everything in your toiletry bag is covered with gel toothpaste. Wash everything including bag. Now it smells minty fresh.
Discover that your toothbrush that never leaves your toiletry bag is missing. Wonder if it’s your weird cat, who is back in the USA busily chewing it up or someone in baggage at Newark with a really strange fetish.
Discover Internet connection is 30 yuan per hour – about $4. Be annoyed about being shaken down in a land where the average citizen makes about $6 a day. Doesn’t matter anyway – you have no deposit for incidentals at the front desk.
It’s 6pm. Too early to sleep, to late to take a nap. Decide to take a walk. Find Authentic Beijing 2008 Olympics Souvenir Shop. Pick out cute T-shirt for child with all five Olympic animals. Child who screams if you try to dress her in black or white insists on black and white panda shirt instead. You and cluster of shop ladies fail to change her mind. Buy your first souvenir.
Bonus points. Find cheap noodle shop. Child passes out as you order. Child wakes up in time to insist on an ice cream.
Buy mystery flavor ice cream bars at Chinese version of deli. There is one with a picture of corn – but you chicken out. Eat as you walk back to hotel. (Child does not walk when she can be strollered or carried.) Large percent of her bar winds up on her chest.
Back at the hotel while you are in the bathroom half undressed, the floor man comes by. Husband tosses you a shirt then introduce floor guy to flooded bathroom and strange wires hanging out of ceiling.
Floor guy calls for technical support, who comes, looks at wires, slaps head and laughs – then stuffs them back in ceiling. Floor guy mops bathroom but forgets extra towels.
It’s 8pm. You and husband have not slept in 27 hours and are ready to pass out. Child is so tired she is wired to the ceiling. After an hour or two of bouncing, crying, whining, chatting, and running around the room, she finally falls asleep.
Find that you have the “Ariel and her friend Flounder” song from the Disney Princess CD stuck in your brain on instant recycle. Consider suggesting it to Homeland Security as new form of “Information Gathering Augmentation” aka psychological torture.
You wake up - it’s still dark – must be about 5 am. Grope around in dark for watch since hotel clock is not lit. It’s only 12:30am. Too late for drugs. Lie in bed for two hours, finally fall asleep again.
Wake up at 5 am, actually your cheery, well rested child wakes you out of a deep sleep.
Discover you have left all your CHOCOLATE BARS at home!!! Consider aborting trip.Welcome to China.